My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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