Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
