Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
