if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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