Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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