Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
