somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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