Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
