Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
