how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
