my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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