Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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