I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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