I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I am one with the molecules
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
