I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
