I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
