whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
