Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
