I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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