kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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