And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
