Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
