Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
