Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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