Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
