I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
