its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
