You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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