I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
