He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize