I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's blow job season.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
