I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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