I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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