You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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