I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
you inspire me to be a worse person
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
