i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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