Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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