True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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