i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
