The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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