Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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