batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
