last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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