What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
