I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
