My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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