Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
try to milk me bitch
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
