Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
jump out the window naked night went bad
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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