my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
