Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
