At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
