He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
