What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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