theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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