God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
