Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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