You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
