So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
