The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
