Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
