I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
