I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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